Blog Post by Brandy Edenfield
“Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.” Psalms139:14NLT
This incredible piece of art pierced my heart this morning. I feel “strong” in Jesus in this hard season, but I have very tired moments. And, in all honesty, I’m recognizing that the hardest part about surrendering control and “staying in my own lane” is walking a VERY FINE LINE between surrender and numbing out. I have to take my own spiritual temperature on this daily- sometimes multiple times in a day.
See, if I’m being honest, I can be a very dismissive person- you hurt me, I won’t deal with you anymore, I’ll cut you out of my life! THIS IS SO UNHEALTHY and is rooted in an unloving spirit, coupled with bitterness and resentment.I don’t want to be that person. So I FIGHT! I fight to stay engaged. I fight to show compassion. I fight to seek understanding and most of all I fight just to stay present. My defense mechanism is to check out emotionally and isolate from a toxic person/situation. Don’t get me wrong, BOUNDARIES ARE GOOD! They’re necessary! But as a mature follower of Christ, I no longer have the luxury of “putting people in a box and dismissing them to a high shelf” (Ann Bashor♥️)
Sometimes I do this well and sometimes my flesh wins, BUT ONLY TEMPORARILY, because God is good and faithful and He reminds me that HIS WAYS ARE GREATER! So… yeah, I’m strong. And yeah, I’m tired at the same time. But I’m present. I’m feeling all the fear, hurt and loss that is normal for our situation. It’s AGONIZING sometimes- a hurt that threatens to take my breath away at moments, but it doesn’t and I’m grateful for that. I’m here, REALLY HERE! Acknowledging my weaknesses and staying in my life and in the craziest, most unexplainable way, this season is accompanied by a constant peace and joy that is hard to understand. How can all of these emotions exist together? I have no idea- it’s so complicated. But I trust the one who has my blueprints and He understands how it all fits together. So yeah… it’s messy and hard, but man am I learning and growing. I’m grateful.
Father, I confess I need your help. I desire to love you and others well and repent for the times I haven’t. Thank you for loving me, being patient and for clothing me in your strength. In Jesus name. Amen.
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