How many thousands of drug-filled needles rules my life?
Jan Hicks, Pastor and President of CUMI, has truly been a pioneer towards the cause of helping people walk in the freedom God designed for them to enjoy. Her ministry is dedicated to the pursuit of inner healing and we pray that you are blessed and divinely inspired by the word God has given her to share with all of us.
Jan is also an international speaker, teacher, author and Christian Counselor. She welcomes you to connect with her through the official Christians United Ministries Facebook page.
I encourage you to press in and read on to receive the blessing of the following blog post on the freedom and forgiveness available through Jesus – Golden Veins!
Guest Post by Jan Hicks
Pride, shame, guilt, fear, false expectations….using what I thought protected me, were the many tricks of the enemy to destroy me. At 30 years of age, I wore my true feelings inside and had a mask of “having it all together” outside.
A nurse and divorced mother of two amazing young boys, I put a needle filled with cocaine in my arms – how could I? What led me to that choice? What was I thinking? What about my children, my job and my family?
Like most addictions, it’s driven by another source, rooted in shame. I carried a sense of pride in my achievements and guilt from my failures. It began the moment a man in my life challenged me as I discovered his addiction with a statement something like, “You can’t help me with something you know nothing about, you would be addicted too.”
That was like a dare, a challenge to prove him wrong. At that moment, I stuck out my arm to prove to him I could do cocaine and not get hooked. I knew I was not as weak as he was and I told him so …… the rest is history.
For 12 years I stole, lied, cheated, bought, sold, traded whatever I needed for drugs of all types. I was addicted.
How did I get here; how do I get out? I didn’t know the answer. I knew what I needed to do but those thoughts were like a vapor that lasted a short time before something else took its place. I was broken and no one could fix me. I was broken and I could not fix myself.
The night I surrendered to Jesus, wasn’t planned, wasn’t prepared, just happened. I started seeing the engine of the train of brokenness I was on and a glimpse of how to get off.
I was reminded of the Japanese art of Kintsukuroi, repairing broken pottery by highlighting the cracks, the brokenness with real gold. The pottery when treated this way, was more valuable than it was when it was whole. I knew I was broken, I did not know I was valuable in any form. I saw a picture of arms with gold over the veins that reminded me of that art form and it hit me – that was a picture of Gods forgiveness to me, for my choices.
Beauty for Brokenness
God started teaching me to see my scars as beauty instead of brokenness. I began the process of embracing my flaws and imperfections while allowing the fire of the Holy Spirit to burn out my impurities and bring healing and wholeness to those places where my choices, decisions, pride, fear, control, and more kept me in bondage to the enemy.
Discovering that I was not alone, I found that many others understood the journey of my bondage and my surrender. Many, like me, understood that even after surrender, the feeling of more brokenness emerged. The fear, shame and guilt of facing the truth of where I’ve been, what I’ve done surfaced. Learning how to grant myself the grace to forgive myself is when freedom really came.
When I truly forgave myself, only then could I really begin to make changes.
Today is the Day
Maybe that’s you today, regardless of the addiction or wrong choices you’re beating yourself up for. You’ve prayed and tried and cried and tried again, but you continue to beat yourself up and are your own worse enemy. Now’s a great day to see your broken places, tried by fire, filled with gold and become an art piece of God’s pure LOVE.
Forgive yourself. If HE has, you must. Just start by being willing and giving Jesus permission to heal you. That is your choice as well!
Let me lead you in this prayer:
Father, forgive me for not accepting Your forgiveness by holding myself in bondage to the lies of the enemy. I am forgiven; you have forgiven me. I cancel, break and destroy all the assignments of the enemy against my life. I release myself and forgive myself for choices long past. I am no longer who I was, but I am who you have called and created me to be. I am an overcomer, I am a winner, I was created to succeed. With your help Lord, I will continue to grow and learn from the Holy Spirit who will lead me each day as I give Him permission to move. Thank you Lord, speak into my heart and tell me what you want me to know about myself now. Who do YOU say that I am Lord?
In Jesus’ name, amen.
Scriptures for Meditation
Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”
~ Mark 10:27
For no word from God will ever fail.
~ Luke 1:37
being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.
~ Romans 4:21
Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you.
you refined us like silver.
I will refine them like silver
and test them like gold.
They will call on my name
and I will answer them;
I will say, ‘They are my people,’
and they will say, ‘The Lord is our God.’”
The Art of Kintsukuroi
The Japanese art of Kintsukuroi, repairing broken pottery by highlighting the cracks with pure gold, involves fire and the close attention of the smith. The smith puts the ore in the fire to burn out some of the impurities, then takes it out and shapes it, then back in the fire. All the while he keeps a close eye on his precious metal.
The goal of the silversmith or goldsmith is to fashion a precious metal until it is pure and shines bright. He heats and works with his metal until he can see his reflection in it. One can only imagine how the silver or gold feels about this arduous process.
Psalm 66:10 says, “For you, O God, tested us; you refined us like silver.” Just as the silversmith refines his precious metal in the fire, God refines his precious children in the adversities of life. He does this for the same purpose as the smith puts his ore in the fire – to remove any impurities so that we will shine brightly and reflect His image. While we are in the “fire” He never takes His eyes off us, but keeps a close watch to determine when we’ve had all we can take for now. Better than the smith with his metal, God is with us in the fire as we are being refined.
God has said, “I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call on my name and I will answer them; I will say, ‘They are my people,’ and they will say, ‘The LORD is our God.’” Zechariah 13:9.